It is, at least in my department anyway, the season to have babies. As a single father, I thought I’d throw some advice out there to any new parents in no particular order.
Ok, practical stuff. Things you’ll need: a Moses basket, a baby monitor, nappies, nappy cream (or something similar), baby wipes, a changing mat, a pushchair, a whole load of muslins (AKA cheesecloth, blankets, towels and onesies. Babies grow fast, so lots of cheap baby-grows may be the best move. In the beginning, it’s easy to get stressed about not having all the bits and bobs you think you need. You may not need a much as you think. Also, bear in mind the outside world and all the shops in it still exist. It’s not like you can’t leave and go get things should you need them. Ewan the Dream Sheep is highly recommended.
Buy Infacol or something else that helps them burp. They don’t know how to burp in the beginning and it can take an hour or more to feed, change, wind them and get them back to sleep. Not ideal at 2am on a workday. You can’t give them anything to help in the first few weeks/ months but it’s nice to know help is around the corner.
Prepare and cook a few good, wholesome, easy to re-heat dishes and freeze them. Eating snacks for quick energy can become an easy habit to fall into especially as people tend to shower you in chocolate and biscuits as gifts.
Be mindful of who you take advice from. People like to hear themselves talk regardless of whether they have any idea what they are talking about (said the guy writing a monthly advice column-thing). It doesn’t mean they know what they are talking about. People also like to frighten you (“Oh your life is OVER!”, “You’ll never sleep again”) or brag (perhaps dishonestly) about their own kids/ apparent parenting skill (“The birth didn’t hurt at all”, “They slept through the night from 1 second old”). Pay no attention. Listen to the people who will tell you the truth and whose judgement you trust.
As much as the birth is obviously a big deal the real adjustment is that you are now responsible for a person (not just a baby) for at least the next 18 years. The birth will be relatively short in comparison.
Generally, the birth stories you’ll hear will be the most horrific as, well, they are what makes for interesting stories. However, in my 5 days stay at the post-natal ward (there were complications- you don’t want to know) I noticed most families were in and out within 12 hours of the baby being born. So you have good odds of a straight forward birth, a healthy baby and a quick stay in the hospital.
After the birth, don’t pressure yourself on how you’re meant to feel. You may fall in love with the kid instantly. It could take a while. In the beginning, you may not feel connected at all. That’s ok. Speak to the health visitors and to your family and partners. You will cope with this in your own unique way. People have been having people since there were people. You will be fine.
In the first few days and weeks, you’ll be inundated with well-wishes which, whilst lovely, can be overwhelming. I strongly suggest setting expectations ahead of the due to-date stating that, whilst you’re very happy that everyone is so happy for you, you and your partner will need some time together to get your head around the whole bag.
As longs as the baby is eating and putting on weight/ maintaining weight I would not stress on how he/she is being fed. I will say there are some cools things about breast milk though: it can begin expressing when your baby is crying if your baby is sick it creates antibodies to help defend against the virus and milk expressed in the evening helps the baby sleep. It’s also free.
Changing the kid. You’ll be changing the kid around 13 times a day. Sounds intimidating but you will 100% know how to change a nappy and an infant after day one so don’t fret.
Pro-tips: disposable nappies change colour when full and, in the event of a poo-splosion, you can take baby-grows off by pulling the head-hole over the legs and not the leg holes over the head.
When/ if you return to work be honest with your boss about your situation but be mindful of bringing your sleep deprivation and possible grouchiness into work and expecting them to understand and deal with it. If you’re lucky they will be understanding but be aware they don’t have to care at all and may not. That’s ok. They don’t have to.
Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself and with each other. No one gives you the manual for this stuff. It is slow and steady. In the beginning, they don’t know night and day, they don’t know they are separate from the world behind them, they don’t even know they have hands! They know dark, light, sound, touch, warm, cold.
The truth it’s difficult and every kid is different as are the parents and their collective dynamic. It can be hard but it is also hugely rewarding. As my former brother in law told me “it’s not that you can’t do all the things that you used to do before the baby was born: it’s that you won’t want to”.
Thanks for reading. Be good.
